MY VISION AND VALUES
I am, at heart, a visionary.. and an activist. There. I said it. I only really fully worked that last bit out a few days before writing this piece 😂
A visionary and an activist and a lover and a romantic (but not in the way you might think for that last one).
In Relationships Re:Visioned, I focus exclusively on helping strong, self aware women who want a deeper, more connected, less conflict-fuelled relationship with the man they love.
Who can see that the path they’re on could lead to divorce if it runs its course and they want to make changes now, while there’s still love left in their relationship.
They want their children to grow up in a home where Love is a verb and their parents not only visibly love each other, but also rekindle their in-love-ness on a regular basis.
A home where conflict is safe, making mistakes is safe, and where everyone’s voice and needs are valued and supported; where self-trust is honoured and encouraged.
I focus on these women because, I’ve been in some pretty damn unhealthy hetero long-term relationship dynamics myself over four decades, and have worked o through those dynamics and healed so, so much, and in the process, I’ve developed some incredibly useful skillsets and approaches and worldviews, drawn from many different worlds and spheres I move in.
..from shamanism, psychology, polyamory, kink, politics spirituality, neurodivergence, environmentalism, from divorce and single parenting to a new paradigm relationship, and many more..
and have read studies on many hetero relationship norms compared to same-sex and non-binary relationships, and I’ve come to some conclusions that make me want to bring all these diverse worlds and insights I’ve earned into the lives of women I know I can help, even when their relationship already seems ‘OK’ to them.
I’ve studied and experimented and distilled the essence from all these these diverse pockets of the world I’m a part of, seen things that make sense to me there that’ve been missing from hetero monogamy for me and for the women I work with, and have synthesised a framework for a conventional monogamous relationship between a man and woman that matches my vision for a world that’s deep, meaningful, honest, expansive, grounded, awakening, and uplifting!
I’ve been told at times that my strong beliefs and values are polarising and make me unrelatable, but perhaps that’s because I’ve not shared much about how I got here?
Want to know more about my vision and beliefs.. read on..
In my life, my family, my communities, I’m deeply, consciously inclusive and am an anti-racist, anti-childist, anti-sexist, anti-misogynist and am anti-queerphobic. That’s, rather unusually, a lot of anti’s for me, but what it means to me is that I’m not only becoming aware of and trying to do no harm with my *own* words and actions, but also speaking out when I see or hear others doing that kind of harm, *especially* when it’s done unintentionally – because we all live with blinkers on within our norms until we have a personal reason not to (or someone points it out).
I envision a world that’s more spacious, more thoughtful, more equitable, more understanding, more just, more creative and more kind in every way. It might be because the world’s not been that for me in so many ways all through my life. And that has made me acutely aware of the pain of being ashamed of who I am, of disowning big chunks of myself to fit in, of allowing all kinds of abuse (or experiencing some when I was too young to be able to allow or disallow) – physical, emotional, and psychological, and of rarely feeling seen or that I belong. Not because there was anything wrong with me, but because I was living in narrow worlds that didn’t have space for my uniqueness and visionaryness. Ironically though, that is also the reason I’ve moved in so many paradoxical worlds, learned so much about them, and live my own life colouring way outside the lines.
That trauma has shaped the relationships I’ve been in in so many ways, most of them unhealthy. Such a lot of unnecessary pain, confusion, and hurt. I want better for all of us. No matter whether we colour within the lines, just to the edge, or all the way past!
What do I personally do to help create this world I believe is possible? I do my inner work and become a more fully realised, more healed, human every day, in whatever ways I can. I share what I’ve done in my own life and even share my personal process, so others can see one pathway towards this vision, if that’s something they believe in too but don’t know how they could make it real in their own lives.
My activism isn’t the placard-holding, more physically active, even more aggressive, type of activism, though I admire those who do that. I won’t be standing in a crowd, blocking roads, chaining myself to a tree, or chanting slogans, but if you do, thank you. We need both types to change the world!
I’m an activist in the life I choose to live and the way I live it. In speaking up against ‘acceptable’ social norms that seem horribly unreasonable to me or when their incongruence doesn’t make sense to me at all. I speak out about deeply ingrained ways of being that have been created in a power-over structure through time, that are accepted and sometimes even perceived as necessary.. and I believe it’s time for these to change. For us to rise up and to collaborate and raise each other up.
I’m an activist in the way that I live my life and love my partner in new and unconventional ways free of codependency and compromise and resentment and instead rich with radical transparency, self-responsibility, true intimacy, and deep connection.
In raising my children as aware, open-minded, courageous souls who also speak up when they’re with others who hurt people, even if they don’t realise they’re doing it with their words or their actions.
I’m an activist in the way I’ve raised my children outside of the school system, and even the school mindset, instead choosing education in its broadest and most personalised form. I’ve always treated them as whole, intelligent, capable humans who have as much to teach me as I have to share with them.
And have shown them they deserve respect and trust just for being alive, without having to jump through hoops to ‘earn’ it. I’ve recognised their right to their own bodily autonomy, asking for their consent at 6 months and 6 years and at sixteen, because I don’t have power over them nor any entitlement to decide what’s right for their body, words, or thoughts. Letting them know that their voice matters, right from the start of their lives, and so does mine. That win-win solutions are almost always possible if you look at things differently and connection usually trumps being right. I hope I broke the martyr complex I inherited. I think I did. What I learnt here, as a parent, also shaped the way I went on to change my romantic relationships.
I believe in the interconnectedness of us all, beyond the five senses world, and have a deep felt sense about the way my thoughts and actions can affect you a world away in ways I can’t even fathom. Because of that, living in the utmost integrity isn’t just a nebulous idea to me, but makes it incredibly important for me to walk my talk and live moment-by-moment as the best human I can be (which includes being compassionate and kind to myself when I don’t). I’ve made a ton of mistakes in my life. Some I haven’t been forgiven for. I’ve learned from them though and that learning is the backbone of my work.
I understand that my actions, the way my partner and I treat each other, and the way I raise my own children doesn’t only affect them, but their children and their children’s children. First Nation people talk about our influence on the next seven generations and I believe them and take that responsibility seriously. With absolutely irreverent humour, for sure, but with commitment that’s baked into my bones.
If I were to reincarnate, I would want to return to a world that is more just, more caring, more self responsible, and more liberated in every way. I try to live that way myself, to model that way to my children and to anyone who believes in living forward towards what’s possible, rather than from our misguided past but hasn’t yet found the tools or the mindset shifts or whatever other doorway makes it possible. I’ve spent my life looking for those doors, and I’ve found many, and left them open behind me, as well as tell stories of how I found them (and in some cases, even how I opened them).
I believe that a rising tide lifts all boats. What I want for me – freedom, connection, justice, playfulness, joy, equity, acceptance, and genuine love – I want for us all.
My activism is the quiet type, the type we live behind closed doors, the type that causes us to live with more of our spirit grounded in our bodies in the present moment. It rises from self acceptance, self love, healthy boundaries, and connected communication steeped with curiosity, fondness, and peace. And it rests in a soft place where mistakes happen, tempers flare, and old programmes take over the whole operating system, so I’ve learned too to be accountable, remorseful, and make amends when needs be. The healthiest relationships aren’t free of conflict, even ugly conflict at times, but they are the ones where the people involved learn from it and grow and learn to repair the ruptures when they happen. Filling the broken areas in with gold like the Japanese art of kintsugi, making your relationship even better after a rupture, betrayal, or hurt, rather than trying to make it ‘like it was’.
In this way, everything that happens, no matter how painful or impossible to see past, also has within it the seed of something far exceeding whatever it was that broke. And you get to decide whether or not to plant and nurture that seed, instead of trying to put the broken bits back together.
I’m a visionary. I know this world I envision is *possible*. That a relationship like this is possible. It’s not like I’ve arrived and float about in white robes and a beatific smile for my partner or others whatever happens. I’ve spent decades finding the path to what I believe is possible in a new world of love and relationships and I’ve walked a damn long way along that path. I’ve worked out how I stumbled on it at times, and also how I found the path again after I got lost wandering in the wilds alongside it. I’ve spent decades studying others and how they found their own signs and travelled the untrodden paths too.. and woven those together.. and that’s what I articulate and passionately share with you every opportunity that I get.
Let’s change the world together (and overthrow the unhealthiest aspects of patriarchy and cultural notions of romance on the way), one woman, one family, at a time.
Or maybe for today, let’s just make your relationship more peaceful, more connected, safer for your kids, and a bit more playful and fun.